do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
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15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
God, I love Scotland
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
*pronounces UPS like yoops
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
The Punning Dead.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise