The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
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“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.