I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
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New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies