he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
You Might Also Like
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex