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WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Just this preview of the story is enough
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.