Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
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the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Dyslexics are teople poo!
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.