The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
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If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.