Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
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Previously On Persistence 😎
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
I ate everything, including the H.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole