My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
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ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*