My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
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At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume