Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
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[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders