if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
You Might Also Like
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Love this guy
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove