Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
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My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Anyone really
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples