Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
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SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
knights of the ikea table
🤣🤣🤣
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same