Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
You Might Also Like
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die