Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
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The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
If only
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”