I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
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I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?