Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
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Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
I’ve been drinking.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs