Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
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Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Phones down.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Whoa. I guess one dude quit: