Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
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Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”