Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
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Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
wtf is an acronym
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.