I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
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Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
*feels the wind in my toe hair
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet