Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
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It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Woke up against my better judgement again
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
this is literally a CIA plant
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.