Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
You Might Also Like
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”