How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
This is a bad sign
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Customize Your Wedding.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.