I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
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*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Is this you?
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.