My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
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We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”