[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
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this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Livid.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
it’s finally my moment to shine
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying