Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
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2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?