My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
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{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
This could be us… but you playing
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks