Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
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No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
my dog when i have a friend over