if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
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I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
what kind of cook setting is this??