I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”
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coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
notice
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!