Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
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“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
(by @ZachWeiner )
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.