Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
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I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.