[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
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Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.