@ candidates for local office
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“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.