[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
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Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Got him!
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?