Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
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“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
i made a craigslist ad !
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.