I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
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My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
For the ones in the back.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
(Jupiter –
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro