What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
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At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.