Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
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Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Spring of Deception
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
The government even made aliens boring
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies