“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
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Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Great acting.. 😂
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
good for her
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers