Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
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I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
This is hilarious….
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…