*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
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Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.