Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
What
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.