Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
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My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
I was bored.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
respect
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.