Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
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* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Mouse
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something