All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
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I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Buck naked
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.