[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
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[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD